Bob n' Pete

You all have probably been wondering “hey! Where the heck did this guy go?” Well this guy's here, of course. Na, I've just been on a little vacation and I wasn't able to access a computer for a while because I was in a no-wi-fi zone, which was stinkeriffic. But now I'm back, rested, and ready to give you all the breakfast you could ever imagine fitting into your gullets.

Oh man, so much crazy crap has happened on this vacation that you pretty much won't believe what I have to say, which is too bad, ya know. So one day I was just sitting there in some grass and this guy, lets call him Bob, comes up to me. Bob says “Hey duder, you wanna go on a trip?” So I was like “Heck ya I do!” So he says “Okay, get into my van.” I know they usually set don't get into the guy's van who says “get into my van,” but this guy seemed legit. So I just hop on up into the front seat of his van (what did you think, I was gonna just bust in the back, through the sketchy back door? Yea right!)

I didn't know the guy before but I got to know him really well over the last few weeks. He took me up to this cabin in the middle of the woods. Somewhere, he says, only one other person besides him had ever gone. It was crazy, buddy, was it ever. He just had one shelf in the whole place, no books, no bed, no toilet, no nothing. Well the only thing he actually had were all these board games. I guess he really wanted someone to come with him to his magical game fortress, because holy crud how much fun is it to have all those board games and nobody to play them with? Well, not fun at all actually. Actually it's kind of depressing now that I'm really thinking about it right now. But anyway this guy must have just been hanging alone for years in years in this thing just imagining how much fun it could be to play these games.

It was about 12 feet by 12 feet with a fireplace, a metal rack with a bunch of games and a dirty old hippy looking rug just hanging out in the middle of the floor. I swear this guy, the dweeber Bob, must just leave the door wide open when he's not there because there was all kinds of hair clumps and crud in the carpet. But actually the place was pretty cool anyway.

What was weird was how he made me go off in the woods and chop trees down for firewood. I got all the way out to some good trees to chop and then I realized that he hadn't given me anything to chop down the trees with, not an axe, not a saw, not a hachet and especially not a chainsaw. So I had to hoof it all the way back to the cabin. It was like 1000 feet away. At least it wasn't snowy or anything, or else I would have been very upset. I was only kind of upset. But it was chilly out there buddy, oh yeah.

I saw chopped this dang pine tree up into little bits and pieces and started dragging it into the cabin and sure enough I get to the cabin the Bob guy was inside with a big ol' frickin' bear! Just feeding it Goldfish Crackers. This guy is some kind of bear whisperer or something, I don't know. So I drag the wood in all nonchalant because I don't want this bear to think I'm like a racist of bears, which I'm definitely not, even though I had an idea for a horror movie with bears in it. A horror movie that would probably only be scary to bears. But no, I was nonchalant and dragging pieces of wood in for that fireplace to go house on.

Bob goes “Hey buddy, check out my Bear. His name is Pete.” I was like “dude, I don't know if it's that great idea. Bears probably don't like Goldfish crackers as much as they probably like to eat people.” Bob goes “you don't know my bear like I know my bear. My bear just eats those puppies up like it's his job.”

Then he tells me to hang on a second and he goes out to his van to get something. He comes back with one of those african elephant hunting hats you wear and then he put it on Pete. Pete was loving it, actually. Bob then gives Pete a hunting rifle and then says to Pete “Go git him boy!”

Just kidding, he didn't really do that. How the heck is a bear gonna actually hold a rifle. Not possible, at all, ever, period. Instead the bear just kept eating those Goldfish until he was all Goldfished out. Then Bob goes and pulls out some of those board games I was talking about. He said we were going to do an ultimate Stratego challenge.

Maybe you've been living under a rock for like a billion years but Stratego is this game where you have all these pieces that fight eachother. The only thing is, you can't see your opponents pieces. Those are some sneaky pieces, you know what I mean. Anyway you just basically battle until you capture the enemy's flag. Great Game.

So I played this really intense game of Stratego with this guy Bob and won, but after I was done, he revealed that I would have to face the bear. Except the only thing was that like in Star Wars, you have to let the wookie win, or bear I guess. Otherwise I guess Bob told me that Pete the bear would straight up rip my arms out of their sockets and eat em' all up like buffalo wings or chicken wings or whatever. So I said, “whatever dude, just have your win because I like my arms, and I'd hate to lose them to a dang bear. As far as I knew we were playing the ultimate game challenge for fun, not for arms.” So this bear smashes the game board with his crazy mighty claw. Then he gobbles up all the pieces and spits em all at me. Those pieces are pretty pointy so that junk hurts a lot. So I said “The heck with this crud. It's just not fair! I'm not gonna play this fake unfair game crud business.” Then I ran out of that sucker faster than a bat outta heck.

Lucky for me I have strong fast legs because I had a long way to run to get back to where I was in that fluffy grass. It took me 3 weeks to walk home. The walk home was what took the most time and it was an adventure in itself. Maybe later I will let you know about some of those walking home adventures, well if you're nice anyway. Have a good morning!

Sparky is my bodyguard

What's the deal with all these people out there in the world picking all these fights, you know. I'd rather just settle it on the Nintendo Wii. Until then, I'll just make Sparky Winchester my bodyguard. I can just pay him in cheese doodles.

If you live in bushes, heres some advice for you.

Started snooping around into Sparky's life, and let me tell you it's a weird one. This guy definitely has something off about him. I don't know whether or not he's an alien, but I won't be ruling out the possibility of alienism completely. It just so happens that the fact he has such little stuff makes me lean more towards the alien side of things. I tried to think of a good way to see if I could possibly find some more info out about him. The best I could come up with was to try to get him to write a little something about himself. Without further ado, here's Sparky Winchester. (He totally doesn't know I think he's an alien)

So this Rex (haha, the dumbo still thinks my name is Rex) kid wants me to write a little bit about my growing up life and I think I will. I had a mom and a dad and a sister and brother and they were all pretty nice to me. One day I just decided to leave and now I live here and so far I'm enjoying myself. By far the greatest thing about where I live now is the weather and the girls. These ladies really pack a wild punch man, I'll tell you what. This girl came up to me the other day, or maybe I approached her...one or the other. Anyway she slapped me to get out of the way. I mean, she actually touched me. To be touched by a beautiful lady is a great feeling and I'll never forget it as long as I live.

The weirdest thing about where I live now is how people don't care where you sleep at night. It used to be a big deal to me and to the other people around me where I'd sleep at night, but nope, not here. I mean, I met my most recent girlfriend Shelly when I was sleeping in bushes getting sprinklered on. Ya, that's the stuff. It was like it didn't even matter to her that I didn't have a house and all I had were somebody else's bushes to sleep in. It was no big deal.

Then she invited me into her home and let me take a shower. I hadn't showered in a long time so I left that shower so dirty after that she had to clean it immediately and she wasn't even mad. What sweet girl that Shelly is, I think I want to marry her, but we'll have to see. The only thing that bugs me out about her is that shes about as smart as a pile of rocks, otherwise, nice girl.

I don't know. But if we did get married, at least I'd have somewhere to sleep at, thank god. Plus, she wouldn't be able to kick me out. Ahh. The good things in life. I don't know what it is but I think I'll be happy with her for a very long time. I just have to work on stealing...I mean buying a ring to give to her before we get married. I'll do my best.

Well that was it for Mr. Winchester. It sounds like he's going to have use for his privates after all because it sounds like him and Shelly are basically going to be having a baby in like a week or something, by the way things are going. We'll have to see about that. And also, I still can't be sure if this dude is really an earthling or an alien, only time will tell. The family life part sounds a little too vague for me. Until then I'll just have to keep spying on that guy. Make it a Good Morning!

Pools

I think I'm sick of my job. Do you know what I'm talking about? Have you ever been showing up to work over and over again and you don't know why? I know, it's really terrible and it makes you want to yell and scream at just about anything. I've been working at an above-ground pool and jacuzzi sales facility for about 4 months now. When I gave them my resume I was thinking “wowie this is gonna be the greatest job ever. I'm going to be surrounded by pools all day, babes in bikinis and pina coladas.” This was definitely not the case because I got there and it was just this store that had wood samples for people to look at and touch to see if it was something they wanted in their yard or whatever. These dweebers think it's really going to make their quality of life better to have this stuff though, so they buy it.

When you buy an above-ground pool there's something you will have to understand, and that's that you are going to have all kinds of losers wanting to come over to swim on every single hot day. Maybe that's your thing but if it were me, I'd be completely mad all the time. It's like, you don't even know who your real friends would be anymore. Are they real or are they using you to swim in your pool? Proabably just using your pool. A pool is basically a cry of desperation for someone to have new friends. But are these really friends or just pool people. Probably the pool people. The kind of people that come over, use your pool and probably float around in one of those inflatable inner tubes with the sunglasses on and the feet in the water sipping on some fancy drink that they didn't pay for. They the same people just waltz into your house without asking and just start snooping around for things. They find your fridge and just bust in and start eating your food! How rude! Then they use your toilet and probably leave the seat down and pee all over it, the jerks. Those aren't friends. Those are jerks.

If I were dumb enough to buy an above-ground pool, I would be smart enough to charge admission. What's the point of friends if you can't make any money off of them? Wow I never thought of that till just now. I bet I could make a ton of money off a pool. You can charge people to swim and make all kinds of money off them for just swimming around in that thing. Then you could set up an easy rinkydink snack stand and sell hot dogs for like $3 each and sodas for $1 each and make loads of money of that. Heck even charge admission to the bathrooms. What's that you say? They're just gonna pee in the pool. No they won't because they'll be scared to because I will have signs posted that say WARNING: If you pee in the pool I will know because the water around you will start turning green. Oh man how embarrassing would that be huh? One minute you're having a great time and the next you get dumb enough to pee in the pool and the water turns green on you. You know everyone's just gonna be pointing and laughing at you because you're the weirdo that just peed in the pool.

One things for sure there aren't gonna be those shower rooms like they have at some of the public pools you go to. Those rooms are scary. A whole lotta naked people all walking around with their privates showing. GROSS! I don't get this. You can just wear a bathing suit home take a shower when you get there? Apparently not I guess. Instead you see these droopy old wrinkly guys talking about sports with all their droopy old old-man parts flopping around. YUCK. Get em' away!

With all that said I might just need to find a new profession. I hear brain surgery pays well. Oh! Haha! No way Jose, I would never do brain surgery because that stuff is disgusting. What weirdo wants to go to work and look at brains all day. That kinda guy needs to be arrested for being such a creepy weido. Those are the kinds of people that kill people and chop them into little pieces. I think I'll just go down to Salvation army and see what's up there because I'm giving my two weeks notice at the pool shop. Have a Good Morning!

Magic alien formulas

Last night was a riot. Shelly was at it again. Her and that whack job of a guy Sparky were hanging out on their front stoop talking about aliens from outer space. I couldn't believe they were wasting their time doing things like that when you could have just as easily been inside beating some level of Call of Duty for XBOX 360, but no, just on the stoop talking about aliens instead.

Let's just suppose for a second that aliens are really there. Yeah right. But seriously, think about this stuff for a second. Little green buggers just floating around out there in their crazy space ships. If they knew what was good for them maybe they were just stay the heck away from us. What's so interesting about a planet of people driving around in cars all day and going to work and sleeping. Man, I bet aliens never sleep because they realized that sleep was just a waste of life. They probably figured out some magic formula that you can inject into your arm and that will just give you the same thing as your sleep normally would. I bet they would even live longer because they wouldn't be dopey enough to drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes. For fun, aliens would probably just figure out what kind of spaceship they're going to build next. I wonder if they put crazy decorations and sound systems in their space ships like we do with our cars.

But let's be honest, aliens are seriously just gonna come to our planet to kill us all. Haven't you seen all the movies. They just want our water or whatever. I just have a feeling that by the time they actually get here they aren't even going to want to have anything to do with us. We have messed up this planet royally. I can imagine aliens finding a landfill and being like “what is with this place and all this crap? I hope nobody had to live here. Boy did these people like to drink soda” and things like that. It's about time we put all our junky garbage into space ships and shoot it all into outer space. But knowing our luck as people, it will probably all find a way to clump together and come hurdling back at us in the shape of a meteor and we will get all mushed up by our own trash. I hope that doesn't happen. If it did, on the way down can you imagine how bad it would smell after traveling through space? Really bad. I bet that it would smell so bad that it would make Sparky Winchester smell pretty good, wouldn't you say? I would.

Oh man I just had a crazy thought. What if Sparky Winchester was actually an alien visiting from outerspace. That might really explain a lot. He's probably homeless because he doesn't have a birth certificate so he can't get a job. Due to him not having a job he can't make money and therefore has to sleep at bus stations. There he can wait and prey on the weak until he finds just the right person. i.e. my neighbor Shelly. Oh man it all makes so much sense. This guy is an alien, I will just have to find a way to prove it.

I will go undercover for a while and watch my old pal Sparky to see exactly what's happening. I will hide behind things and maybe even bug Shelly's place to see if I can hear him talking to his alien brothers in crime. If he really is an alien I don't know what I'm going to do. Should I kill him? Probably not. Should I make him show me some of his awesome alien technologies? Yes I should. I want to be able to give alien powers to everything that I already have in life, making it that much more awesome and unstoppable. Oh great! I hope you all have a Good Morning!