Bob n' Pete

You all have probably been wondering “hey! Where the heck did this guy go?” Well this guy's here, of course. Na, I've just been on a little vacation and I wasn't able to access a computer for a while because I was in a no-wi-fi zone, which was stinkeriffic. But now I'm back, rested, and ready to give you all the breakfast you could ever imagine fitting into your gullets.

Oh man, so much crazy crap has happened on this vacation that you pretty much won't believe what I have to say, which is too bad, ya know. So one day I was just sitting there in some grass and this guy, lets call him Bob, comes up to me. Bob says “Hey duder, you wanna go on a trip?” So I was like “Heck ya I do!” So he says “Okay, get into my van.” I know they usually set don't get into the guy's van who says “get into my van,” but this guy seemed legit. So I just hop on up into the front seat of his van (what did you think, I was gonna just bust in the back, through the sketchy back door? Yea right!)

I didn't know the guy before but I got to know him really well over the last few weeks. He took me up to this cabin in the middle of the woods. Somewhere, he says, only one other person besides him had ever gone. It was crazy, buddy, was it ever. He just had one shelf in the whole place, no books, no bed, no toilet, no nothing. Well the only thing he actually had were all these board games. I guess he really wanted someone to come with him to his magical game fortress, because holy crud how much fun is it to have all those board games and nobody to play them with? Well, not fun at all actually. Actually it's kind of depressing now that I'm really thinking about it right now. But anyway this guy must have just been hanging alone for years in years in this thing just imagining how much fun it could be to play these games.

It was about 12 feet by 12 feet with a fireplace, a metal rack with a bunch of games and a dirty old hippy looking rug just hanging out in the middle of the floor. I swear this guy, the dweeber Bob, must just leave the door wide open when he's not there because there was all kinds of hair clumps and crud in the carpet. But actually the place was pretty cool anyway.

What was weird was how he made me go off in the woods and chop trees down for firewood. I got all the way out to some good trees to chop and then I realized that he hadn't given me anything to chop down the trees with, not an axe, not a saw, not a hachet and especially not a chainsaw. So I had to hoof it all the way back to the cabin. It was like 1000 feet away. At least it wasn't snowy or anything, or else I would have been very upset. I was only kind of upset. But it was chilly out there buddy, oh yeah.

I saw chopped this dang pine tree up into little bits and pieces and started dragging it into the cabin and sure enough I get to the cabin the Bob guy was inside with a big ol' frickin' bear! Just feeding it Goldfish Crackers. This guy is some kind of bear whisperer or something, I don't know. So I drag the wood in all nonchalant because I don't want this bear to think I'm like a racist of bears, which I'm definitely not, even though I had an idea for a horror movie with bears in it. A horror movie that would probably only be scary to bears. But no, I was nonchalant and dragging pieces of wood in for that fireplace to go house on.

Bob goes “Hey buddy, check out my Bear. His name is Pete.” I was like “dude, I don't know if it's that great idea. Bears probably don't like Goldfish crackers as much as they probably like to eat people.” Bob goes “you don't know my bear like I know my bear. My bear just eats those puppies up like it's his job.”

Then he tells me to hang on a second and he goes out to his van to get something. He comes back with one of those african elephant hunting hats you wear and then he put it on Pete. Pete was loving it, actually. Bob then gives Pete a hunting rifle and then says to Pete “Go git him boy!”

Just kidding, he didn't really do that. How the heck is a bear gonna actually hold a rifle. Not possible, at all, ever, period. Instead the bear just kept eating those Goldfish until he was all Goldfished out. Then Bob goes and pulls out some of those board games I was talking about. He said we were going to do an ultimate Stratego challenge.

Maybe you've been living under a rock for like a billion years but Stratego is this game where you have all these pieces that fight eachother. The only thing is, you can't see your opponents pieces. Those are some sneaky pieces, you know what I mean. Anyway you just basically battle until you capture the enemy's flag. Great Game.

So I played this really intense game of Stratego with this guy Bob and won, but after I was done, he revealed that I would have to face the bear. Except the only thing was that like in Star Wars, you have to let the wookie win, or bear I guess. Otherwise I guess Bob told me that Pete the bear would straight up rip my arms out of their sockets and eat em' all up like buffalo wings or chicken wings or whatever. So I said, “whatever dude, just have your win because I like my arms, and I'd hate to lose them to a dang bear. As far as I knew we were playing the ultimate game challenge for fun, not for arms.” So this bear smashes the game board with his crazy mighty claw. Then he gobbles up all the pieces and spits em all at me. Those pieces are pretty pointy so that junk hurts a lot. So I said “The heck with this crud. It's just not fair! I'm not gonna play this fake unfair game crud business.” Then I ran out of that sucker faster than a bat outta heck.

Lucky for me I have strong fast legs because I had a long way to run to get back to where I was in that fluffy grass. It took me 3 weeks to walk home. The walk home was what took the most time and it was an adventure in itself. Maybe later I will let you know about some of those walking home adventures, well if you're nice anyway. Have a good morning!