Home insulation made out of meringue

You guys are pretty hip so I'm pretty sure you knew that tomorrow is National Baked Alaska day. The thing about Baked Alaska is it's bunch of ice cream inside of a cake. Basically cavity central. I'm pretty sure the dentist people love Baked Alaska as much as they love crystal meth. Why do I say that? Because they're both bad for your teeth. You know how they've got that thing called meth mouth. I'm sure they've gotta thing called Alaska Mouth too.

Seriously guys February 1^st is an historic day for all Alaskans. Look it up if you don't believe me, I'm not lying. It is the celebration of when the very first eskimo made a Baked Alaska. Can you imagine this guy just hanging out in his little igloo freezing his buns off eating seal blubber all day. Who does this guy think he is anyway? Can you possible imagine having to go run around the ice, all slipping and sliding all over the place just to get some food. So you're sliding around you're wearing your coat you made from the skin of some werewolf you hunted down, which had to be hard to catch because those werewolf dudes sure are feisty, and then you see a seal flopping around somewhere. That mumbojumbo is hard to catch because they're really slippery and they'll whack you around. But i'm sure he'll just grab the hammer he built his igloo with and smash it into it's skull, the poor seal. It's poor skull. Sad. Now he's got a little seal meal. I mean, it's either that or penguin kabobs but they don't have teriyaki sauce up there probably, so they gotta eat that stuff plain. Have you ever wonder what a penguin tuxedo is made of? Probably just fur I guess. I bet it burns off in the fire or something. Aw man I hate the smell of burning hair. Where was I? Oh ya.

But he just was like “Man this seal blubber really tastes like crud. I gotta make something new, because I'm real tired of this seal blubber junk. I'm gonna go over there and take that big pile of snow and add some flavor to it, maybe vanilla. Then I'm gonna go over here and get a sponge cake and throw some of that flavored snow all over it. Then I'm gonna get these eggs that my igloo chicken laid, crack em up, whip em around with an icicle and make some meringue” (it's said like: ma-rang).

I think Mr. eskimo mighta forgotten to take the yolks out of the eggs the way he was describing that recipe. But maybe not. Everyone knows you can't have yolks in meringue, dweeber.

“Now I gotta go slather that meringue stuff on my flavored snow sponge cake contraption. But shoot, I gotta make my eskimo oven really hot because if I don't it will have to be in there cooking for too long and it will be baked alaska soup, which I can already tell would suck. Lucky for me meringue is a great insulator, so that means it's programmed to keep that heat out. Heck I don't know why they haven't put meringue inside the walls of houses instead of that pink cotton candy stuff that's in my grandma's house that always gives me a stomach ache when I eat it. So ya I throw that contraption in the oven, wait about 3 minutes and poof all done. Now what am I gonna call this thing. It's gotta be something really catchy and magical. How about 'yummy igloo food'? Naw. 'a tiny house I can eat'? Nope, don't be crazy. 'This stuff's gonna kill my teeth'. Get a life. Okay I guess I'll call it Baked Alaska!”

So that's the story of a baked Alaska. Guess he didn't forget to remove the yolks after all folks. If you follow this ancient eskimo's recipe you should be on your jolly way to Baked Alaska land in no time. Maybe you can crumble some of those daily vitamins on top and make it a health breakfast option tomorrow. For now, Good Morning!

Just please don't kiss the dumpster

Oh boy have I got some whack crap for you guys today. Have you ever been the first person to get some breaking news and you're just so ready to freak out because you just want to tell everyone and everyone and everyone about it. Well that's me right now. So you guys remember that homeless guy I gave the trick-donut to? His name is Sparky Winchester, and I've been noticing him a lot lately. Ever since I gave him my home address, that guys been funny. He'll just come knocking on my door at all hours of the night smelling like beer, tacos and pee. So I have to get up out of a sound sleep and open the door to see what he wants. Don't worry though, because I'm not dumb. I always make sure to keep some sort of weapon like an iron or rolling pin by the door just incase. That way, if there's any monkey business I'll be able to deal with it. But, so this guy just hangs out by my house all the time and I'm kinda sick of it. It's just weird to wake up in the morning and have some weird guy sleeping in your bushes, getting all soaked from the sprinkler system.

I don't know, but I guess the other day my neighbor Shelly was leaving for work and saw Sparky and freaked the heck out. She calmed down because Sparky did some of his smooth sweet talking and let her know that he was actually a pretty fun guy, like a mushroom(get it? Fungi? Haha!). She was impressed enough with his swaggers that she let him come in to her place. She said he could stay there until he could find a job. Isn't she nice? That's basically the nicest thing you can do for a homeless guy. So I guess he's just sleeping on her couch a lot lately.

But, oh man, can you imagine what it must be like in that living room now? Gosh. That whole room must smell like pee all the time, hopefully she's not feeding him asparagus because that would just make the pee smell worse and worse. It's not like he's gonna be able to do any laundry. The guy only owns that one stereotypical ripped up tracksuit from like 1988, neon pink and green hanging out on the same piece of clothing together. It really isn't meant to be. YUCK! But man oh man, if he did laundry at all he'd have to be naked the whole time because all the clothes he has are the ones that he wears. Something has to be done though, because those clothes really probably haven't even been washed since the late 80's. Darn it that's a long time.

Now here's the crazy news though. The other day, after the other day, I saw those two actually kissing. On the lips. Gross. That like's like kissing a dirty stinking dumpster mouth. YUCK! Make it stop. I knew that girl Shelly was kinda desperate and had no taste(hopefully no taste buds either), but this guy with the Pee Cologne, she can do better, much better. He must throw up everyday and not even brush his teeth afterward and she kisses that. I think I should just tell her what his deal is. As if she probably didn't get a clue when she discovered him sleeping in her garden, getting soaked by sprinklers. I don't know, I guess some people are just desperate for love.

I dunno, it's funny though because when she comes over shes so girly and happy about it. Like she's in love with a 80's tracksuit guy. What's next? Are they going to go halfsies on a dog or something? What's he gonna sell his tracksuit for like $.78 or something? Good dang luck with that. You'd probably have more luck selling a can of your whole life's worth of fingernail clippings because you can at least use that as some kind of fertilizer I think. But a stinky old neon pink and green tracksuit? Get lost! But even if he got that money, what kinda dog can you get for $.78(maybe a really tiny one)? I'm pretty sure dog food costs more than that, let alone the dog. Sparky would just be feeding that dog some bugs he killed in the garden and I'm pretty sure the nutrition facts on a bug is pretty low.

Seriously, Shelly and Sparky? Grossssss. Those two are a nasty couple, I just hope Sparky gets a job and treatment and Shelly gets some self esteem and a good dog to guard the house with. I got no beef with the homeless, I just think these two aren't meant to be in love. Good Morning, maybe.

Dream houses and burn victims

Lots of people out there work hard at their job to take home some big sacks of $ bill bags so they can buy all kinds of ridiculous crud to put in their home. Then when they realize they have too much ridiculous crud it's either time to have a yard sale or it's time to get a bigger house. Lots of people want to get their dream house. But the thing is, these dweebers don't realize that the dream isn't real and most of the time a dream house isn't even totally possible because of the physics we have learned so far in life have told us so. But I went around my hood asking people what sorts of things they would want to have for a dream house and here's what they came up with.

“I'd want my dream house to be green and run on solar panels. This way I can make my carbon footprint microscopic and allow children of future generations to have as beautiful a planet to live in as I once did.” - Abbey A.

“I would want my dream house to have 100 bathrooms. How tired are you of going to use a bathroom when some goon has gone and stunk it all up without even lighting a match. Now I only have to use each bathroom once a month.” -Bobby B.

“My kitchen needs to be so big that you could literally walk a cow in there, chop it up, cook it and serve it all by dinner time.” -Craig C.

“TVs. So many TVs. I don't want wallpaper, just TVs. I want every video game system possible and I want to make it so everyone has to play them, even if they don't want to.” -Danny D.

Ya so that's about enough of that. First of all, all those ideas are pretty obvious and pretty stupid. Green house? What's so dreamy about that anyway? Go get yourself a can of green paint and a paintbrush and you'll have a green house in a jiffy. Solar panels? What's the point when you have electrical sockets in the wall that do the same thing. 100 bathrooms? Maybe if you had a big party and every person you ever knew was invited, and they all had to go at exactly the same time, then maybe I could see needing that many. Why would need that big of a kitchen. Who kills their own cows anyway? Just get the butcher to do it or go to a stupid meat store. TVs are actually pretty cool, but I think I'd only want to have a big one for every room in the house. So guys, If you're gonna do a dream house make it impossible to make because that's the point of a dream. If your dreams came true why would you even want to live anymore?

This is my dream house: First off, it would be floating in the air above all the other houses. Above even Mount Everest. That's one high house. Secondly it would have no doors at all because the walls would be completely walkthroughable. This way you wouldn't need stupid handles or locks or anything. Oh what's that? How do you stop bad guys from coming in and stealing all your junk? That's easy. The walls would be equipped with DNA scanning devices. You'd have a list of all the people you knew and trusted and would want to come to your house. And if anyone ever tried to get in that wasn't supposed to they would just get electrocuted and die. All I can say is, don't forget to add your grandma to the list because you don't want to go killing your grandma, because that's like 7 years of bad luck I think. Things like that won't get you into heaven, that's for sure. Plus, no more checks for $15 on your birthday and Christmas.

My bedroom would be a cool room. It would have zero gravity, that way I wouldn't need a bed and I could just float around and sleep all I wanted to anywhere I wanted to without any back pain. Why pay like $1000 for a memory foam bed? Also for warmth and light I'd just have a miniature sun, made up of the same junk as the real sun, just on a much smaller scale. It would keep me toasty and let me read and stuff. But how am I gonna sleep in the light? Easy. I'd just put it in the closet at night, you nincompoop. I suppose I should get a mini moon too, huh. That way I have something to put out at night.

The bathroom would definitely be something special. It would be self cleaning. It would be like taking a crap in a dishwasher, it just cleans it up nice and easy. It would have some kind of heat sensors in the there so it would know not to turn on when people are inside it. Without the sensors it would be like third degree burn central. You'd have to go to one of those special burn units where people don't have faces or ears or noses or anything anymore because they all got burnt off. That stuff is sad, I don't wish that on anyone. We all need a face! What's a guy or girl without a face? Basically you're just a tree in a woods full of trees that you can't really tell apart. Expect not really because it would be the tree with all the burnt stuff on it. Anyhoot, I'd have a hole in the wall you stick your head in and it washes your face, ears, nose, beard and mouth for you, without even thinking about it. I guess you'd want a bidet too, those things are the greatest invention in the modern world. Oh ya and I'd also have an anti-gravity bath. I can't really explain what it is, but you get what I mean probably.

And now the greatest part of my house would be my floating football field. I don't even play football but someone does, and if they come over I want them to feel at home with a cruddin' football field. Maybe if my house is famous enough it could even host the Superbowl, which is coming up soon by the way. The seats on the football field would be invisible. People in the front row would be in the highest seats. Then the seats would just get closer to the ground as you went farther back.

So guys, that's a dream house in case you were wondering. I challenge you all the make that dream house. If you make it, I'll personally make it worth your wild. I will do your chores for a week or something really good. Maybe give you like a hundred bucks or whatever, you know, something you could really use. I would probably also be your best friend, I mean, if you're in to that sort of thing. Well dudes, Good Morning!

What was the point of me getting into the wagon with the mice?

It's that time of the month for me. Yard work time. I've got a buttload of outside things to do, so I'll be too busy to write in this blog today. Lucky for me I've got this “networking thing” down pat, and keep in touch with my old teachers from high school. I had this bozo, Vernon Stendle as a science teacher. The guy was pretty cool besides the fact he was a science teacher. This guy told us how he went to Woodstock and tried all the drugs we could possibly imagine, and let us know that he was glad he did. He said he was glad because he would be able to tell everyone that he'd tried them all, and that they were nothing that you should ever really bother with trying because they're a waste of time and money. But anyhoot, this guy promised he'd write something cool and not anything too sciencey. Here he is ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Stendle.

I know I told this kid I wouldn't write anything too sciencey, but what can I say, I'm a science teacher. I pretty much live science. You're just gonna have to deal with a little science today, sorry kids. For this science experiment you will need: 3 mice, a wagon, a drill, Tupperware, a radish and a submarine. Now, you should all be able the find around the house so take a minute and gather them up.

Oh man, you totally just looked for a submarine in your house. You nutso, what they heck are you thinking? Isn't this guy great.

Okay so do you guys have everything? What, no submarine? That's okay I was just kidding about that, you aren't going to need a submarine. Maybe a submarine sandwich because this is kind of a long experiment and you might get hungry, but as far as submarines that go underwater are concerned, you should be all set.

First things first, get your wagon. Now, if it's a little bit rusty, if it's a radio flyer, no worries. Just get that sucker and put it in the middle of a yard. Now get in it, just to check that hunk of junk's stability level. If it holds you up, you're as golden as a sunshine ray on a Sunday afternoon. Now take your mice and put em in the wagon with you. Now get the heck out of the wagon and watch the mice. Now that's some science right there. Real Mr. Wizard stuff. Get your Tupperware out and drill some holes in the lid with the drill you've got. Just don't drill holes in the mice because they really don't like it. I mean, a piercing is fine on a person, but what if the piercing took up 1/10^th of your entire body. I mean, we're talking straight up bleeding to death everyday from that piercing. No way, not for me. Now pick up all the mice and put em inside the Tupperware. Okay, calm down buddy, it has holes in it, they're gonna be able to breathe just fine.

Now you have the final and most important part. The radish. Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking “how can a radish possibly be so important?” Well it is, and I'm gonna tell you why. You gotta slice that radish up. Like, sliced and diced real tiny. Now you're like “with what? you never said we needed a knife.” Just go get one from inside your mom's kitchen you knucklehead. Once that baby's (not an actual baby. The radish) all sliced and diced shove it in the holes. Now just watch those mice go. They go nuts for radishes. Now just sit and watch and whichever one lives the longest wins.

Ya that's kind of a morbid science experiment, I know. I know those PETA people will be knockin' on your door any minute now if you're not careful about it. You can't just go tellin' everyone that you're doing this experiment. You have to keep it a secret. But here's the greatest part. This isn't a science experiment. It's just something to do if your bored. So haha! I tricked you into thinking it was science but it's not. See, Mr. Stendle always keeps his word. I told him I wouldn't get too sciencey, and I didn't, so have fun kids and don't tell anyone about the experiment, because if you do I'll kill your family. Haha, just kidding I won't kill your family. That's what we call a joke in the science world.

So that's probably going to be the last time I let Vernon Stendle write in this thing. That guy has one twisted outlook on life. I'm actually kind of glad that I interviewed him in the first place because if I hadn't I would have never known how nutso he is. Maybe someday when I had kids I would have even lent my kids to him or had him babysit them, or whatever they call it. But not anymore, not with those looney thoughts. So guys, please don't do that science experiment thing because it's no good for anyone, especially the mice. Plus you don't want that guy chopping up your family into little bits. Actually he said he was kidding about that so, I wouldn't worry too much. Have a Good Morning!

What to do if you get Bear'd.

          Bears. Buildings. Bears in Buildings. Sound scary yet? It should. I had an idea for a great horror movie. It would be about me, of course, and go something like this:

          I'd be all alone in a gigantic sky scraper building just minding my own business in the middle of the night. When all of a sudden an angry environmentalist would just show up at the front door with an 18 wheeler towing a motorhome towing a minivan. This is like the Turducken of the vehicle world... so awesome. Except inside this turducken, is tons of BEARS...angry, hungry bears.

          So this guy that's all about saving the Earth (which in real life, I am too by the way, but in this movie I hate the Earth) shows up in my lobby. He's so crazy upset at me for having this building which pollutes the world because it has all these smoke stacks up top, just shooting all kinds of crud up in the air. He says “Hey jerkface, how do you like it when you get your environment destroyed by something unnatural that doesn't belong.”

“What do you mean guy?”

“What I mean is these bears will eat you alive buddy.”

I didn't know why he was calling me buddy, because if I were his buddy he wouldn't be trying to get me dead by bears.

“No dude please, don't get me bear'd up. I don't want to get bear'd.” I say.

“Oh buddy you're gonna get bear'd. Fiercely bear'd.”

Then this Earthsaver just says. “Hold on a sec, I gotta go get something.”

I'm a patient guy, so I do hold on a sec. He ends up coming back with a big sumo wrestler suit. Not just the underwear clothe thing, that would be gross. This was the whole fat-suit sumo thing that you would just mess around in. But here's the real kicker. The guy actually had chainmail armor that went over the suit so this guy would be totally bear proof and invincible just incase.

Then he just yells “Unleash the bears!” But it was only him, so he had to release the bears by himself anyway. So he was really just yelling it to try to scare me, which, it was working, kiddo. I was shaking like a hacky sack full of Mexican jumping beans.

          This guy had really taken his time with this plan because he flipped this crazy big switch on the side of the 18 wheeler and it simultaneously opened all the doors of all the vehicles. Smoke or fog, I couldn't tell which, just started coming out (it could have been dry ice, maybe) from every vehicle. And all these green lights were turned on. It was like it was Halloween everyday in this guys Bearducken vehicle train. All these bears start pouring out of there. There had to have been no less than 75 of those bad boys ready to eat me up. The environmentalist says “ok boys, (like he even knew they were boys. What did he look in their underwear or something? GROSS!) eat his face!”

          The bears started charging for me. I was real scared for a minute until I remembered that I was taking martial arts courses from Bruce Lee's ghost. That ghost sure can kick a butt. So I just started charging at the bears. Man you could look at those bears and just see that they were pretty much laughing at me as I did this. They'd never get beat up by some little human dweebus. I kicked the first one square in the nose and that bear flew through the air, spinning over the heads of the other bears. To see all those bear jaws drop was so funny, basically I split a side laughing. Then the other bears tried to attack me at the same time but I would just punch and kick em one by one until they were all injured really bad. I even headbutted one. The bears were all gone. All these bear ambulances started showing up taking all the bears away on bear-stretchers, serves em' right for trying to mess with me.

          Last but not least I had to take down the final boss; the environmentalist. But I couldn't find him anywhere. I turned the corner and saw his suit lying on the ground. I went to the front door of my building and outside, passed all the bear ambulances, I saw the Bearducken mobile driving off and I thought to myself; whatever, that guy will never come back again, plus I could really go for some food right now after kicking all of that bear butt. I got a big pizza and scarfed it down all by myself.

          So after writing this all out I guess it's not really a typical horror movie, because nothing scary ever actually happened to me. I'm pretty sure the only people that would watch this movie and actually be scared would be bears and environmentalists. And that's okay because they're all people too. But kids, don't try this movie at home. Bears will actually kill you. You will not be able to beat them up. The best thing you can do if you are being chased by a bear is to either climb up a tree or just stop running and play dead for a while. Those bears, scientists say, are like dinosaurs because they can't see if nothing is moving. And if you see a bear minding it's own business, throw some pebbles at it to show it who's boss. Okay. Go get some breakfast. Good Morning!

It's only the Kite people

          Today's weather is supposed to be nothing short of lovely from dawn till dusk. What better to do on a day like that than hit up a beach. The greatest thing about the beach is probably the sand but maybe the seagulls. Seagulls are the only type of bird that can fly and poop at the same time, weird right? I'll bring a bucket, a little sand shovel, a bag of glass bottles and most importantly a megaphone because sometimes I like to just start yelling “shark” just to keep people on their toes. I've also been known to bring a floating shark fin and some sandwich bags filled with real blood (where I get my real blood from is a secret, so don't ask because I won't tell (just kidding it's not really real blood)) to throw in the water for effect.

          It's not hard to find a dweeber walking around on the beach with big headphones on. The same guy is also holding a metal rod with a circle on the end. That thing he's holding is called metal detectors. Those things suck. I'm pretty sure it's just a clever gimmick by the RadioShack people to make a few more bucks a year. I'm pretty sure if you held those metal detectorizer things up to the sky they'd start beeping. Good luck digging up there though because that sky thing goes pretty high up. I remember one time I actually did see someone find something in the sand with a metal detector. He just about flipped his wig, buddy. He started digging like a mad dog. The sand was flying everywhere, probably getting all in his mouth and stuff, and all for what? Well dang, when he found what was making his metal beeper go beepity beep, he jumped for joy like a blind old woman (they can jump, right?) who just got her vision-sight back. What an idiot though because it only ended up being a stupid penny. He ended up throwing that penny in the ocean at my fake shark fin and real blood special fx. In other words, that guy looked like a wild old fool.

          Guys like that just get me madder than a monkey who got all his bananas stolen away. When stuff like that happens I usually just head for some people that are flying kites. The kite people aren't too bad. Usually they're smoking these funny smelling cigarettes and laughing a lot. Actually, those guys are pretty cool and usually have a frisbee to toss around too. But I think the best part is the mountain of food they've got, usually in a picnic basket I think. Isn't that an image you'd imagine a genius like Michelangelo would paint; two or three dudes wearing sunglasses, hands in a picnic basket laughing their brains off in the sunshine. That's some real beautiful stuff right there, huh?

          For my own safety when I go to the beach, I always do this next part last . You might be asking yourself “Hey, where does all that beach glass come from?” Well the beach glass is just a bunch of smashed bottles that the ocean will work away at and polish up over time. But some people get mad when you break glass on the beach, but they can go take a hike. Think of the kids guys, do we really want to live in a society without beach glass on our beaches? I hope not because I know I don't want to. Break some glass and think of those kids while you do it.

          Hopefully this junk motivates you to do good things for the rest of the day. I hope some of you hit up the beach and if not, at least take a moment to pretend to hit up the beach. Doctors always say “pretending is practically the most healthiest thing to do with the human body.” To that I say Good Morning!

The baby's a trap.

          I was sitting around in front of my apartment, as I often do, counting blades of grass. My neighbor Shelly, a nice 22 year old girl, comes up to me a little ticked off. Apparently she was upset because Keith Olbermann went off the Air. This struck me as kind of odd because she doesn't seem like the type of gal who would watch the news over a rerun of The Jersey Shore. However, apparently, I was “like, totally” wrong about her. I told her about my blog and said that she could be the first guest Blogger on “What's in breakfast?” This is what she had to say:

          Hey what's up its Shelly! So, I'm way raging mad right now because Keith got canned by MSNBC and he like totally didn't even do anything wrong, except for maybe have great style, perfect hot old guy hair and unisex glasses. I expected NBC to do that to someone like Conan O'Brien, but not Keith, but now that Comcast owns them anything's possible. This guy gave me my news and opinions so I wouldn't have to think of any myself. Now I'm going to have to think a lot harder than I was before. I want to tell you a little something about Keith Olbermann. Check it out.

          I used to have this recurring dream where I was stuck on the highway in the middle of the desert with one of those big sticks that had a bag tied to the end, slung over my shoulder, trying to hitch a ride. People would just whiz right by me and completely ignore the fact I was being burned alive by the sun, completely messing up my tan. Some people would just throw trash at me. Sometimes that trash even got stuck in my hair, which made it even harder to hitch rides. Who wants to give a ride to some girl with trash-hair, no matter how super hot she is. After about 2 hours in the dream a Nissan Titan would pull over with Keith Olbermann in the drivers seat and a little baby, not even in a car seat or anything, just crawling around on the backseat wearing nothing but a diaper. The kid didn't even have a single sock on. Keith was semi-drunk but still fine to drive. But anyway, he would just throw his empty bottle of Jack out the window and say something like “get in sweethahht” like they'd say in those 1950's movies. This is when it all started getting a little bit weird.

          Keith had trucker attire on, the rolled up sleeve with a pack of cigarettes, a pirate eyepatch, ya know, the usual. He would just go on and on about the time he was in the Vietnam War and how it caused him to drink, and to have nightmares. The whole time I'd try to ask him where the baby in the backseat came from and he wouldn't give me a straight answer. He just kept changing the subject and moving his eyepatch from one eye to another, which was really starting to get on my nerves.

          After six hours on the road, out of the middle of nowhere, the baby just stood up and grabbed a pack of Marlboro's out from Keith Olbermann's rolled up sleeve. The baby took a lighter out from his diaper and started smoking. I just about lost my head. Next, the baby rummaged under the seats and grabbed this tiny fedora hat, put it on and went into a 30 minute stand up comedy routine. This baby was the most hilarious baby I've ever seen in my whole life. He could've been on Last Comic Standing and easily won. Keith and I were laughing together and the party was just barely getting started.

          This was when we pulled up to a dock and he told me to get out of the truck. He told me it was going to be fun, and said if the long ride I took was anything like this was going to be, I was probably just about going to die laughing. For real, he said that. So I got out of the car and the first few steps were like one of those baby giraffe's walking for the first time because both my legs were asleep from the long ride. He told me to put on this white blindfold which had some red paint on it, at least I thought it was paint, and I took Keith's and the Baby's hands and they walked me over to the boat. I got into the boat and they turned on the engine and just started laughing and laughing. I felt the boat start to move and the laughing kept getting quieter until I couldn't hear it anymore and then I'd take the blindfold off and I'd just be floating around in the middle of the ocean and then I'd wake up from the dream.

          This was all Shelly gave to me, and frankly I don't see how this has anything to do with her being upset with Keith Olbermann going off the air. I did find it pretty entertaining so I thought I'd share it with you guys today. Anyway, Good Morning!

Man have I got a trick-donut for you.

          Nice to see you guys made it back or maybe just made it once, either way THANKS! I'm fortunate enough to live in close proximity to where I work which means that I can lend a helping hand to Mother Earth and commute on foot. Seeing as I have no set schedule I get the joy of seeing the streets at almost every hour of the day. I also get the joy of passing 2 bus stops (how lazy and crazy is this city to have bus stops every quarter of a mile, you've got a pair of legs, use em! (if not, just wheelchair there or whatever.)) where some of the greatest people you'll ever set your eyes on, like to hang out.

          When I work the 5am shift, the 8+ lane road lays mostly dormant. I've yet to see anyone else actually walking around at this time of day. From time to time I do see a homeless gentleman sleeping at one of the bus stops I pass. Because of all the buzz with that homeless guy that has a golden voice, one morning I decided that I wanted to:

1)Wake up the gentleman.

2)Get his name.

3)Find out what his deal was.

          So I figured he'd probably be hungry and thirsty, because homeless guys have it rough and don't get much in the way of nutritional stuff. I grabbed a mug out of the cupboard, one I didn't care about because I didn't know if I'd actually get it back or if I did get it back, that I'd actually ever want to drink out of that thing again. I mean, would you actually drink out of a cup that you knew had pee in it at one point? I doubt it, unless you're just a totally weird weirdo. Not to say this mug would have pee in it, but a homeless guys lips, well...never mind. I also made him a plate of scrambled eggs and a donut. It was a trick-donut. It was a bagel with some chocolate Betty Crocker frosting on it. At least the bagel was plain and not onion and the frosting was frosting and not just mint toothpaste. I guess eating toothpaste can make you sick. Who woulda thought? So ya, it was a good trick-donut.

          So I put it in a box. The box was just an empty box of cereal that I turned sideways, because I'm good like that. I cut a big hole in the top there so that he wouldn't have a very hard time getting at the trick-donut, eggs and the mug of coffee.

          I left my house and started on my way. Before we get any further I would like to just let you know that that crud is difficult to carry or balance or whatever, real tough stuff. So I'm walking down the street and I'm coming up to this Bus Stop hoping the dude was going to be there sleeping and I realize something. I realize that I forgot the stupid fork and napkins, but then I realize that this guy is homeless and he probably doesn't even ever use that stuff anyway. I think they call that “going commando.” I yell at the guy but he doesn't even move or budge or make any sounds at all. I put the awesome-box of food on the ground and look for a stick or something to poke him with. I finally found one and started poking him with it because I heard you get some kind of blood borne pathogens if you aren't careful.

          He still didn't wake up so I throw caution to the wind and just start poking him like mad with my pinky finger. He was cold to the touch so I immediately thought he must be dead or something. Then I realized it was just cold out. That's why he was cold. And that was when he woke up.

          He started yelling at me and I jumped back for a second. Then I was like “Hey man just calm down a sec and lower that voice of yours because all kinds of people are sleeping right now. I just want to ask you some questions and I even brought you some breakfast because I bet you're hungry.”

His language was as bad as his breath, which was as bad as a dumpster so I'm gonna clean it up to keep this place neat and tidy. He said “Hey you little rascal why don't just hand over that breakfast and we'll talk.”

“Ya okay. Here's some breakfast.” Oh man it was so hard not to laugh. The first thing he went for was that trick-donut. He started eating it and had no clue that it wasn't even real. He probably hadn't had a donut since the 80s, if they even had donuts back then.

“This practically the greatest donut I've ever tasted.” He proclaimed.

“Hey guy, what's your name?” I said.

“Sparky.”

“No way buddy, that's a total lie. Nobody names anyone Sparky unless they're a dog.”

He whipped out his drivers license. It wasn't even a real drivers license it was a piece of paper with a crude picture of him done in black crayon that said his name was Sparky Winchester. I decided if he went through all the trouble to make this thing, then it must be his name. Right?

“Alright, I guess your name really is Sparky.” I said then handed back his ID.

“Ya you rascal, it really is.” He said while munching on that trick-donut. Then he grabbed a small pile of the eggs I made and shoved em' into his dirty face hole.

          Man this guy sounds drunk-hammered, I thought. It was like he didn't even think twice about the fact he didn't have any napkins to wipe with.

“So now my next question, Sparky.”

“You got it rascal.”

“Okay before my next question could you please stop calling me rascal. I have a name you know.”

“Well I don't know it. What is it?”

I didn't want to give him my real name so I just said it was “Rex.”

“Okay Rex.” He ate and dropped food all over the place. That trick-donut was long gone by now.

“Let me tell you a little about my life.”

          At this point I have to stop repeating the dialog because this guy's mouth was like Dumpster Town, NJ both in verbal content and odor (I was having regrets about doing the trick-donut with frosting instead of toothpaste, at least his breath would smell nice for a little while if I used toothpaste). He ranted about things that are illegal to do in the United States and other things about babies and how he thought it was fine to just give them abortions whenever you wanted to. Then he just started to pour the hot coffee all over his privates and said he didn't give a crud about his privates anymore because what woman would want to have grownup naked-relation times with a guy that lived at a bus stop anyway.

          Unfortunately it was getting dangerously close to my shift so I told Mr. Winchester that I needed to get going and that we'd need to pick up this conversation a little later. He seemed incredibly interested in my life as well, and even wanted to know my address. I told him and he said he was gonna be in touch with me. Can't wait to see him again.

          So I walked down the rest of the lonely street. When I turned around again I saw Mr. Winchester lay back down on the bench and close his little eyes for a few more z's before sunrise. What a life he must have, not having to work. I bet you could really get things done. If he has money, he might even be able to do a little sightseeing. If I were homeless I'd go to the beach everyday and work on my tan. After all, you wouldn't have much of a choice.

Until next time, Good Morning!

I think I want a robosuit.

          Right now you're reading the first entry in what might be the best blog ever to grace the net. Many across the world consider Sunday to be extremely important. It is a day of rest for people who have regular Monday thru Friday jobs. If you're lucky like me and work in retail you realize that you will be working this day basically every week for the rest of your life.

          I've always noticed that the Sunday person is a fairly laid back person; a late to rise and cheerily hung over dude or lady that is probably talking about some of the wild adventures that they don't really remember from the prior evening. Maybe this is a little judgmental, after all not everyone is a Saturday night boozer, some people actually go to church the way you're told you're supposed to.

          Church people can be decent sometimes, but also equally silly at the same time. A Churchy might stop you on your way to checking the Sunday mail (because you work in retail you don't know what day it is, and you drink every night to numb the pain, so mornings are usually fairly foggy) to let you know that there isn't any, and tell you about a magical religious thing that happened to them. Maybe their car broke down and then fixed itself. They say that it must have been their guardian angel watching over them. I say it was probably just the churchy messing up their clutch and stalling out. You can call me pessimistic, but it wouldn't be breaking news to me.

          So for the past few weeks we've all been reading and seeing and hearing about this lady Gabrielle who got shot by a big crazy shaved headed looney Jared. I have friends named Jared (and even a relative too!!), but none that could be capable of something as totally crazy whack as that. I guess she's doing better but she was shot in the noggin which means she has some brain diggity-damage, which is not good. Don't forget to brush those teeth, kids. But seriously, I'm just worried that they might make her still do her job even though her head is like kinda blown apart. I wonder how the doctors do stuff to make the blown head thing better. Maybe they use a scalpel and chop some of those bones we don't use as much out and duct tape that to whatever holes are there and just hope the holes close up and the old less usefuller bones grow back or something.

          Next thing after they fix up the holes they gotta get that walking back together again. I'd hate to have a bum-leg, (not a leg that's a bum, but a not-working leg, a leg on strike holding a picket sign) but imagine what it would be like to have a bum-side. Maybe they can come up with a sorta robot thing that fits the half of your body that sucks. Once you get that thing goin' on you could seriously kick some ass. The bum side might actually be betterized because of the superior robostrength you just got. RoboGabby (I hope she's okay with me calling her Gabby) would be an unstoppable force as a RoboRep. Nobody would dare shoot at her again because she'd have guns built into that side that was shot at, so now she could shoot back before you even knew it, maybe even with lasers.

          How about that big crazy shaved headed looney Jared though, really. Have you gotten a chance to see the pictures of this guy. Like a normal person with half a brain could see he was a gigantic nutso. In my opinion this kid needs some hair and fast. Like yesterday. Get a wig on that thing, son. You should also make sure you find the numbumskull that sold this guy a gun and ammo. Like look at his head seriously. The head alone should have made the background check alarms blow up so loud.

          Now his old friends have been talking to the news. They've been getting all the 15 minutes of fame that you could possibly shake a stick at. And they all always say “We never thought he was capable of something like this.” But I'm pretty sure all us regular people know that this is just what they say so that they don't look like a jerkface for not turning him in to the police before he did anything wrong. I think President George W. Bush made a law allowing cops to arrest people for crimes they never committed. And if that's not a real law it definitely should be. Guns will kill you if you don't watch out. So go out and get a gun for everyone in your family to protect themselfs just incase. Get em a cell phone too, so they can call someone if they shoot someone. Good Morning!

Obligatory first entry and low down. What's "What's in breakfast?"

What's "What's in breakfast?" you may ask?  Well, it's a place I'm going to go everyday, hopefully with you and hopefully around the meal of breakfast so it can be a bit more poignant.  Breakfast for me is a time of day to eat, as well as read news and figure out what sort of crud I'm going to have to make happen in the day.  It is my mission to make this a place of enjoyment for all walks of life.  I will have guest breakfasts as well, and not just regular people, really crazy people from the past, present and future.  The things they will say will make you mad, they will make you laugh and cry, they might even confuse you, but that's all part of the fun.