I was sitting around in front of my apartment, as I often do, counting blades of grass. My neighbor Shelly, a nice 22 year old girl, comes up to me a little ticked off. Apparently she was upset because Keith Olbermann went off the Air. This struck me as kind of odd because she doesn't seem like the type of gal who would watch the news over a rerun of The Jersey Shore. However, apparently, I was “like, totally” wrong about her. I told her about my blog and said that she could be the first guest Blogger on “What's in breakfast?” This is what she had to say:
Hey what's up its Shelly! So, I'm way raging mad right now because Keith got canned by MSNBC and he like totally didn't even do anything wrong, except for maybe have great style, perfect hot old guy hair and unisex glasses. I expected NBC to do that to someone like Conan O'Brien, but not Keith, but now that Comcast owns them anything's possible. This guy gave me my news and opinions so I wouldn't have to think of any myself. Now I'm going to have to think a lot harder than I was before. I want to tell you a little something about Keith Olbermann. Check it out.
I used to have this recurring dream where I was stuck on the highway in the middle of the desert with one of those big sticks that had a bag tied to the end, slung over my shoulder, trying to hitch a ride. People would just whiz right by me and completely ignore the fact I was being burned alive by the sun, completely messing up my tan. Some people would just throw trash at me. Sometimes that trash even got stuck in my hair, which made it even harder to hitch rides. Who wants to give a ride to some girl with trash-hair, no matter how super hot she is. After about 2 hours in the dream a Nissan Titan would pull over with Keith Olbermann in the drivers seat and a little baby, not even in a car seat or anything, just crawling around on the backseat wearing nothing but a diaper. The kid didn't even have a single sock on. Keith was semi-drunk but still fine to drive. But anyway, he would just throw his empty bottle of Jack out the window and say something like “get in sweethahht” like they'd say in those 1950's movies. This is when it all started getting a little bit weird.
Keith had trucker attire on, the rolled up sleeve with a pack of cigarettes, a pirate eyepatch, ya know, the usual. He would just go on and on about the time he was in the Vietnam War and how it caused him to drink, and to have nightmares. The whole time I'd try to ask him where the baby in the backseat came from and he wouldn't give me a straight answer. He just kept changing the subject and moving his eyepatch from one eye to another, which was really starting to get on my nerves.
After six hours on the road, out of the middle of nowhere, the baby just stood up and grabbed a pack of Marlboro's out from Keith Olbermann's rolled up sleeve. The baby took a lighter out from his diaper and started smoking. I just about lost my head. Next, the baby rummaged under the seats and grabbed this tiny fedora hat, put it on and went into a 30 minute stand up comedy routine. This baby was the most hilarious baby I've ever seen in my whole life. He could've been on Last Comic Standing and easily won. Keith and I were laughing together and the party was just barely getting started.
This was when we pulled up to a dock and he told me to get out of the truck. He told me it was going to be fun, and said if the long ride I took was anything like this was going to be, I was probably just about going to die laughing. For real, he said that. So I got out of the car and the first few steps were like one of those baby giraffe's walking for the first time because both my legs were asleep from the long ride. He told me to put on this white blindfold which had some red paint on it, at least I thought it was paint, and I took Keith's and the Baby's hands and they walked me over to the boat. I got into the boat and they turned on the engine and just started laughing and laughing. I felt the boat start to move and the laughing kept getting quieter until I couldn't hear it anymore and then I'd take the blindfold off and I'd just be floating around in the middle of the ocean and then I'd wake up from the dream.
This was all Shelly gave to me, and frankly I don't see how this has anything to do with her being upset with Keith Olbermann going off the air. I did find it pretty entertaining so I thought I'd share it with you guys today. Anyway, Good Morning!
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