Bears. Buildings. Bears in Buildings. Sound scary yet? It should. I had an idea for a great horror movie. It would be about me, of course, and go something like this:
I'd be all alone in a gigantic sky scraper building just minding my own business in the middle of the night. When all of a sudden an angry environmentalist would just show up at the front door with an 18 wheeler towing a motorhome towing a minivan. This is like the Turducken of the vehicle world... so awesome. Except inside this turducken, is tons of BEARS...angry, hungry bears.
So this guy that's all about saving the Earth (which in real life, I am too by the way, but in this movie I hate the Earth) shows up in my lobby. He's so crazy upset at me for having this building which pollutes the world because it has all these smoke stacks up top, just shooting all kinds of crud up in the air. He says “Hey jerkface, how do you like it when you get your environment destroyed by something unnatural that doesn't belong.”
“What do you mean guy?”
“What I mean is these bears will eat you alive buddy.”
I didn't know why he was calling me buddy, because if I were his buddy he wouldn't be trying to get me dead by bears.
“No dude please, don't get me bear'd up. I don't want to get bear'd.” I say.
“Oh buddy you're gonna get bear'd. Fiercely bear'd.”
Then this Earthsaver just says. “Hold on a sec, I gotta go get something.”
I'm a patient guy, so I do hold on a sec. He ends up coming back with a big sumo wrestler suit. Not just the underwear clothe thing, that would be gross. This was the whole fat-suit sumo thing that you would just mess around in. But here's the real kicker. The guy actually had chainmail armor that went over the suit so this guy would be totally bear proof and invincible just incase.
Then he just yells “Unleash the bears!” But it was only him, so he had to release the bears by himself anyway. So he was really just yelling it to try to scare me, which, it was working, kiddo. I was shaking like a hacky sack full of Mexican jumping beans.
This guy had really taken his time with this plan because he flipped this crazy big switch on the side of the 18 wheeler and it simultaneously opened all the doors of all the vehicles. Smoke or fog, I couldn't tell which, just started coming out (it could have been dry ice, maybe) from every vehicle. And all these green lights were turned on. It was like it was Halloween everyday in this guys Bearducken vehicle train. All these bears start pouring out of there. There had to have been no less than 75 of those bad boys ready to eat me up. The environmentalist says “ok boys, (like he even knew they were boys. What did he look in their underwear or something? GROSS!) eat his face!”
The bears started charging for me. I was real scared for a minute until I remembered that I was taking martial arts courses from Bruce Lee's ghost. That ghost sure can kick a butt. So I just started charging at the bears. Man you could look at those bears and just see that they were pretty much laughing at me as I did this. They'd never get beat up by some little human dweebus. I kicked the first one square in the nose and that bear flew through the air, spinning over the heads of the other bears. To see all those bear jaws drop was so funny, basically I split a side laughing. Then the other bears tried to attack me at the same time but I would just punch and kick em one by one until they were all injured really bad. I even headbutted one. The bears were all gone. All these bear ambulances started showing up taking all the bears away on bear-stretchers, serves em' right for trying to mess with me.
Last but not least I had to take down the final boss; the environmentalist. But I couldn't find him anywhere. I turned the corner and saw his suit lying on the ground. I went to the front door of my building and outside, passed all the bear ambulances, I saw the Bearducken mobile driving off and I thought to myself; whatever, that guy will never come back again, plus I could really go for some food right now after kicking all of that bear butt. I got a big pizza and scarfed it down all by myself.
So after writing this all out I guess it's not really a typical horror movie, because nothing scary ever actually happened to me. I'm pretty sure the only people that would watch this movie and actually be scared would be bears and environmentalists. And that's okay because they're all people too. But kids, don't try this movie at home. Bears will actually kill you. You will not be able to beat them up. The best thing you can do if you are being chased by a bear is to either climb up a tree or just stop running and play dead for a while. Those bears, scientists say, are like dinosaurs because they can't see if nothing is moving. And if you see a bear minding it's own business, throw some pebbles at it to show it who's boss. Okay. Go get some breakfast. Good Morning!
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