Oh boy have I got some whack crap for you guys today. Have you ever been the first person to get some breaking news and you're just so ready to freak out because you just want to tell everyone and everyone and everyone about it. Well that's me right now. So you guys remember that homeless guy I gave the trick-donut to? His name is Sparky Winchester, and I've been noticing him a lot lately. Ever since I gave him my home address, that guys been funny. He'll just come knocking on my door at all hours of the night smelling like beer, tacos and pee. So I have to get up out of a sound sleep and open the door to see what he wants. Don't worry though, because I'm not dumb. I always make sure to keep some sort of weapon like an iron or rolling pin by the door just incase. That way, if there's any monkey business I'll be able to deal with it. But, so this guy just hangs out by my house all the time and I'm kinda sick of it. It's just weird to wake up in the morning and have some weird guy sleeping in your bushes, getting all soaked from the sprinkler system.
I don't know, but I guess the other day my neighbor Shelly was leaving for work and saw Sparky and freaked the heck out. She calmed down because Sparky did some of his smooth sweet talking and let her know that he was actually a pretty fun guy, like a mushroom(get it? Fungi? Haha!). She was impressed enough with his swaggers that she let him come in to her place. She said he could stay there until he could find a job. Isn't she nice? That's basically the nicest thing you can do for a homeless guy. So I guess he's just sleeping on her couch a lot lately.
But, oh man, can you imagine what it must be like in that living room now? Gosh. That whole room must smell like pee all the time, hopefully she's not feeding him asparagus because that would just make the pee smell worse and worse. It's not like he's gonna be able to do any laundry. The guy only owns that one stereotypical ripped up tracksuit from like 1988, neon pink and green hanging out on the same piece of clothing together. It really isn't meant to be. YUCK! But man oh man, if he did laundry at all he'd have to be naked the whole time because all the clothes he has are the ones that he wears. Something has to be done though, because those clothes really probably haven't even been washed since the late 80's. Darn it that's a long time.
Now here's the crazy news though. The other day, after the other day, I saw those two actually kissing. On the lips. Gross. That like's like kissing a dirty stinking dumpster mouth. YUCK! Make it stop. I knew that girl Shelly was kinda desperate and had no taste(hopefully no taste buds either), but this guy with the Pee Cologne, she can do better, much better. He must throw up everyday and not even brush his teeth afterward and she kisses that. I think I should just tell her what his deal is. As if she probably didn't get a clue when she discovered him sleeping in her garden, getting soaked by sprinklers. I don't know, I guess some people are just desperate for love.
I dunno, it's funny though because when she comes over shes so girly and happy about it. Like she's in love with a 80's tracksuit guy. What's next? Are they going to go halfsies on a dog or something? What's he gonna sell his tracksuit for like $.78 or something? Good dang luck with that. You'd probably have more luck selling a can of your whole life's worth of fingernail clippings because you can at least use that as some kind of fertilizer I think. But a stinky old neon pink and green tracksuit? Get lost! But even if he got that money, what kinda dog can you get for $.78(maybe a really tiny one)? I'm pretty sure dog food costs more than that, let alone the dog. Sparky would just be feeding that dog some bugs he killed in the garden and I'm pretty sure the nutrition facts on a bug is pretty low.
Seriously, Shelly and Sparky? Grossssss. Those two are a nasty couple, I just hope Sparky gets a job and treatment and Shelly gets some self esteem and a good dog to guard the house with. I got no beef with the homeless, I just think these two aren't meant to be in love. Good Morning, maybe.
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