It's only the Kite people

          Today's weather is supposed to be nothing short of lovely from dawn till dusk. What better to do on a day like that than hit up a beach. The greatest thing about the beach is probably the sand but maybe the seagulls. Seagulls are the only type of bird that can fly and poop at the same time, weird right? I'll bring a bucket, a little sand shovel, a bag of glass bottles and most importantly a megaphone because sometimes I like to just start yelling “shark” just to keep people on their toes. I've also been known to bring a floating shark fin and some sandwich bags filled with real blood (where I get my real blood from is a secret, so don't ask because I won't tell (just kidding it's not really real blood)) to throw in the water for effect.

          It's not hard to find a dweeber walking around on the beach with big headphones on. The same guy is also holding a metal rod with a circle on the end. That thing he's holding is called metal detectors. Those things suck. I'm pretty sure it's just a clever gimmick by the RadioShack people to make a few more bucks a year. I'm pretty sure if you held those metal detectorizer things up to the sky they'd start beeping. Good luck digging up there though because that sky thing goes pretty high up. I remember one time I actually did see someone find something in the sand with a metal detector. He just about flipped his wig, buddy. He started digging like a mad dog. The sand was flying everywhere, probably getting all in his mouth and stuff, and all for what? Well dang, when he found what was making his metal beeper go beepity beep, he jumped for joy like a blind old woman (they can jump, right?) who just got her vision-sight back. What an idiot though because it only ended up being a stupid penny. He ended up throwing that penny in the ocean at my fake shark fin and real blood special fx. In other words, that guy looked like a wild old fool.

          Guys like that just get me madder than a monkey who got all his bananas stolen away. When stuff like that happens I usually just head for some people that are flying kites. The kite people aren't too bad. Usually they're smoking these funny smelling cigarettes and laughing a lot. Actually, those guys are pretty cool and usually have a frisbee to toss around too. But I think the best part is the mountain of food they've got, usually in a picnic basket I think. Isn't that an image you'd imagine a genius like Michelangelo would paint; two or three dudes wearing sunglasses, hands in a picnic basket laughing their brains off in the sunshine. That's some real beautiful stuff right there, huh?

          For my own safety when I go to the beach, I always do this next part last . You might be asking yourself “Hey, where does all that beach glass come from?” Well the beach glass is just a bunch of smashed bottles that the ocean will work away at and polish up over time. But some people get mad when you break glass on the beach, but they can go take a hike. Think of the kids guys, do we really want to live in a society without beach glass on our beaches? I hope not because I know I don't want to. Break some glass and think of those kids while you do it.

          Hopefully this junk motivates you to do good things for the rest of the day. I hope some of you hit up the beach and if not, at least take a moment to pretend to hit up the beach. Doctors always say “pretending is practically the most healthiest thing to do with the human body.” To that I say Good Morning!